Holy X-acto knife, Batman
March 17th, 2008 | Other Projects
So many ads and articles are flying at me for this fake issue of The Daily Distress, I’m having flashbacks to my early days as a pre-digital era newspaper production manager. I swear I can smell hot wax. You people! Thank you all so much!
Okay, things are starting to get hard to keep track of. So I’ve decided to post stuff here as it comes in. I’m creating pages, one for articles and one for the ads.
Hey, Iara’s idea about classifieds is brilliant! I hope people will feel free to send those in! Employment, announcements, for sale, personals!
89 Responses to “Holy X-acto knife, Batman”
March 17th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Yow. The power of the internet. Loved that ad Colino.
As far as ad styles, I guess you have to decide whether you want the ads to feel “real’ or be funny, or depict the feel of a small down newspaper before photoshop and Quark changed everything.
Yow again.
March 17th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I wish I had Photoshop. I could have a field day, LOL.
March 17th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Wow, this oughta teach me not to check blogs on weekends. Everything’s taken, but I’m going to try for something!!! If you’re not all done with everything by the time I get home from work today.
March 17th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
oh my god, hilarious!
this is so hilarious!
fantastic contributions, the articles! the adverts!…. you are all so creative, and FAST!
feeling too English to contribute, but enjoying the surge of creativity and AB’s mad gathering of it all.
what a community:-0
March 17th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
What a community indeed.
I’ll add new material to the top of the “articles” and “ads” pages as it comes in, and alert you here to updates.
I just added an ad from June, and an article from Ellen O. Check ‘em out!
March 17th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
thanks Helen O. All I see now is that I should have taken a little more time…
@ The Cat Pimp:
You don’t absolutely need Photoshop actually; for this kind of thing The Gimp is more than good enough. It’s open source, free, etc…
March 17th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
It’s a tad hard to read, but Maple Avenue Co Op appears to be on the glass in the dawn scene after Raffi’s birth (in Spawn).
March 17th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Thanks for the tip about gimp, Colino.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
For a FREE alternative to Photoshop, try http://www.gimp.org. There are even massive books at Bunn and Noodle on how to use it, plus huge PDF documentation. It even runs on Linux as well as Windoze.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Oh, wow, it’s all so great. June’s stripes ad made me scream.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Some of the ads need to be clicked on to see the supporting text, so don’t forget to do that, readers.
Also, I can’t remember who wrote the Madwimmin article, but it would not be referred to by them as a “gay” bookstore, it’s a women’s bookstore (or wimmin’s). Even if you want to emphasize that it sells queer literature, from that era they’d call themselves, at best, a lesbian/gay bookstore. It’s a generational thing and needs to be honored, especially since it passed on.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Drat, I should have kept reading - two recs for Gimp.
Ha! “benthic tempeh tuna”
March 17th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
New ad up. Mark’s for Java Jones.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Thanks for the input, Maggie. I wish this was set up as a wiki thingamabob, so people could edit one another at will.
On the other hand, maybe not.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
New article up! Ksbel on lady porkies.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I love the Porkies piece. When I followed the Husky women of the UW–and how I loved that they were officially “the Husky women”–I particularly enjoyed hearing the foreign-born players acquire new vocabulary over the years. I can still hear the lovely Katia Foucarde, a Frenchie, tell the post-game radio interviewer, “Ah took good care of ze rrock. Our D was rilly taht.”
(I’m going to recast my piece about La Lentille d’Or to be more of a feature, so it won’t clash with Elain’s fabulous review.)
March 17th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I just read Elaine’s delightfully restrained review of La Lentille D’Or, and am in stitches. From the “sulphurous bite” of the raw brussel sprouts to the “lighter than air” pizza — perfect, capturing both the turgid prose of food porn AND the pitfalls of fanatical but uneducated vegan cuisine. Bravo.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
(Bowing) I just threw Alison an article about Raffi getting in trouble for posting that an administrator was a “tool” on “MyFace”. I added that the school board meeting was “packed”. Cough. Its pretty short and could fill a gap, if needed.
Adding to the virtual hugfest, Ellen’s article with all of the deliberate misspellings and snark and obscure book titles made me just SWOON. Want to talk about a sulfurous bite. And bless you, June, for sharing with me. Your article was definitely a dishy expose by the local business editor or health inspector. Alison, if you take mine, do change the copy to match that of the lovely “spoons” advertisement.
I really should be working right now, but this is too fun.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Your piece is up, Cat Pimp! Also Ali’s ad for AC/DC!
March 17th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
This is all so much fun.
Brava/o to all.
March 17th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I am working on an ad for AC/DC. Do you still want it?
March 17th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Did you get my “review” on Lois’ show?
March 17th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
So, AB, think you’ll meet your deadline?
March 17th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I LOVE Letitia as Zeus! I guess the Old Thunderer has retired to spend his golden years with Ganymede, and has handed over his position to the younger generation. And all this time Apollo thought he was going to get the job with his nuclear missiles.
Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith Homer: ????? ????? ??? ???????? ????????!
March 17th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Dale!
I found your review in my spam filter! I happened to find another piece there earlier today just by chance. Thanks for the heads up. Your review is great! I just added it to the “articles” page.
Also, Matt just sent in an AWESOME ad for June’s business. Check it out on the “ads” page.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
“Because every business needs clarity.” Laughing hysterically!
March 17th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Alison, I think you credited me for Ali’s ad on your flickr account.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
um, did I mention you folks are frickin’ amazing?
March 17th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Alison-is the Distress more along the lines of the 10% Tribune? Or is it more MSM? It might affect how I construct the ad…
March 17th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
It’s MSM, Deena! THanks fer askin!
March 17th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Or is it Sweet Potato/City Pages type? All are different, although overlapping demographics, to be sure.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Wutever!
Cat Pimp, I’m not sure what you mean about the miscrediting…it looks right to me.
but god knows I’m getting pretty confused by this point.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Oh, these are soooo good. I loved the Lentille d’or positioning itself as the place to break up. Ha!
March 17th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
It rawks to see everyone’s contributions!
Two quick nitpicks: Jezanna’s last name is Ramsey, as discussed in the previous entry. As for Sparrow, her dad’s last name is established as Pidgeon (funnily enough) in the last bonus story. Not sure if she uses that name, but I’d think if she didn’t, it would be something a bit more … granola-y.
March 17th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
i’m just in awe at how delightfully funny a lot of the contributions are! ellen orleans and june, i am shrieking with laughter.
March 17th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
AB - The incorrect credit for the ad is on http://dykestowatchoutfor.com/ads-for-tabloid/
I thought it was the flickr account, but I had a brain fart.
March 17th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
As my books are all packed away (due to a recent move) I thought I’d write to see if one of my sister or brother bloggers could help. Does anyone remember “Milkweed”, a temporary houseguest from of few years back? Did she have a last name? I’m thinking she should have some sort of business to advertise (maybe a B&B?)
March 17th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
GOt iT!
March 17th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Aunt Soozie and/or whoever are creating ads for feminist therapists, I think you should include text which indicates you can help reconcile the “Barack/Hillary divide” destroying so many relationships.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Was it not Milkweed Moongarden?
Hehhehheh. I remember her.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
thanks Klepsydra!
March 17th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
…But this newspaper has no bi-monthly strip giving fictitious readers an hilarious and eerily coherent insight in to the contemporary lesbian multiverse… Oh, *Please* can I do it?
March 17th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Oh no! I just realized I forgot to put in any contact info for AC/DC. Sorry! Should I fix it and resend?
Raffi -
I’m sorry — I didn’t see your dibs on AC/DC before I had my version pretty much ready.
It’s fun to see what different people come up with, though.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
I just submitted something… a little bit ridiculous. But hey, newspapers run human interest stories all the time. In lieu of actual news.
March 17th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Okay! June re-wrote her Lentille D’Or review as a feature, so hopefully we can use both that and the Cat Pimp’s review.
Larissa just sent in a fluff piece about “A Different Kind of Fatherhood.”
And there’s a new ad up—Corwin’s full page ad from the Characters’ Union!
March 17th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Woohoo! This is so cool! All those months of hanging out at the drag shows has finally paid off!
And by the way - YOU are frickin’ amazing, Alison! High five!
March 17th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
I’d love to put in a classified ad that really could exist.
Actually, we are trying to get this going in Los Angeles.
I think it would be great to have it in the DD.
GLAMS Gay and Lesbians Against Multiple Sclerosis
Support Group for GBLT MSers and their partners.
Contact Thea at Little Heart’s Art Pre-School
(555)321-8956
March 18th, 2008 at 12:28 am
All the writing is hysterically funny and spot on. The whole concept is hysterically funny and spot on.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:45 am
When Jezanna changed her name from Alberta Ramsay, for the first name, she picked the name for the moon to the Mashona people of Zimbabwe. Whence, therefore, Jenkins (per the interview)?
March 18th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Ho Corwin - awesome!!! Bwa-har-ha!!! (That ones’ my new fave! — not too insider, I don’t think).
I guess since it’s a MSM rag, you can’t quite include a “poetry corner,” but if you could, you could reprint Mothra’s & Debs’ stellar rhymes (which are pure gold). Or, there could be (I could write) a news article about a local poetry non-contest that features Debs and Mothra as non-winners (er, losers?) Heh.
March 18th, 2008 at 2:27 am
I made my own take on a Rainbow Automotive ad and emailed it to you, so if you don’t see it, check your spam box.
March 18th, 2008 at 2:30 am
@Brrnrrd — THAT IS A HYSTERICAL IDEA! So very meta. I think that in the comic strip characters’ paper, perhaps your strip should be photos of real people? Heee!
March 18th, 2008 at 4:21 am
Thinking of poetry, it’d be fun to have a brief ad where Dierdre Trivelpiece hosts a poetry slam and Buns and Noodles…
(Y’all remember that trainwreck of a poet?)
March 18th, 2008 at 4:52 am
Oh, Cat Pimp, yes! — Dierdre’s latest chapbook could be named “Smegma and Endometrium — Essential Rants”. Written while she was at Breastloaf Writer’s Workshop.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:23 am
I’m having so much fun just watching this whole thing unfold. Ellen, your piece about Betsy Gilhooly has had me crying with laughter over my Cornflakes.
As a grad student of Women’s Studies/Sociology and, more specifically midwifery, things seem to be intersecting with my life a number of curious ways.
And as for ‘purveyors of horizontal haberdashery since 1983′….
ahhhhhh I love you all.
Juliet
March 18th, 2008 at 6:18 am
I just sent you an ad for Pillzapoppin’ Pharmacy.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:47 am
I just sent you an article on Madwimmin closing.
March 18th, 2008 at 10:34 am
TIMELINES… If this paper comes out around the time Madwimmin is closing, that was several years ago, yes? So Mo wasn’t a librarian yet, as referenced in one story, and JR wouldn’t have been nearly 5 years old.
If we want to make it contemporary, the madwimmin story/stories could change to an anniversary-of-madwimmin-closing thing but that seems unlikely for the MSM to do.
Also, I think therapist ads referencing the Hillary/Barack thing as someone mentioned, while super-funny today, would be problematic if this is supposed to be an issue from several years ago, and would also be problematic if this newspaper is going to be printed more than a month or two from now — one or the other of them could cease to run, y’know?
March 18th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Those adds are so fantastic! June’s business may actually get orders, and the scary thing is she might even deliver. Vaporware economics - maybe that’s what Sydney should be studying instead of miniature golf.
The Betsy Gilhooly story is so hysterical, as is the foliage in the midwife ad.
Good luck with the final project! If you decide you want a union carbuncle story and nobody else jumps to, make the strips available and we’ll see what we can do (you may be lazy enough to make us do the work, but we’re also lazy enough to get you to do the research)
Happy post St Patrick’s Day. -rebecca
March 18th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I’m still working on Miriam’s ad, but due to computer problems It won’t be completed until this weekend. I haven’t forgotten!
Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith Floss Forbes: If you don’t know the tune, sing tenor.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Good point AndreaC, I was also wondering about that. I’ve been thinking about an ad for online degrees at Buffalo Lake State College, but maybe it is too early for that.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
No, I think online degrees are fair game for that time frame still.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Hmmm, and in further nitpicking news, wouldn’t the name of Lois’s drag king troupe use the name Louis for her since that’s her drag king name?
March 18th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Hey, for all the people who have been separated from their dtwof books or who need access to electronic version of the strip, you can find on Planetout the strips between 303 and 480:
http://www.planetout.com/entertainment/news/?sernum=943&navpath=/entertainment/comics/
Alison has put in some links to some of these when she described the type of contributions she is looking for.
- which takes you to where the strip archive begins on this website.
Maybe most people already knew this, but it seems some of us had missed it.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Normally collaboration with a group of people is sheer hell, but I’ve been having so much fun participating and watching this all unfold.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Wow, AndreaC. I’m in awe of your firm grip on the temporal parameters of this project. That had been troubling me a bit too, but I decided to stop worrying about it—I think a little haziness on dates will be fine for the purposes of this thing.
Sorry I disappeared this morning—I was trying to get some writing done. But I just updated the ads page with SIX new pieces. And there’s one new article up too.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Oh, and AndreaC? Your Rainbow Automotive ad rocks!!!
March 18th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Yeah… I love it…
TRANNY CHECKS and QUICK LUBE!!!!
March 18th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Here in NJ we have a vet that specializes in cats only…
THE CAT DOCTOR
She might want to place an ad… well, her imaginary alter ego that is….
I was thinking she might offer some classes…
Obedience Training:
learning to be more attentive to your cats needs
and
Agility Training:
how to walk down stairs with a kitten between your feet without falling and breaking your collar bone.
March 18th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Why thank you, Alison & Aunt Soozie!
This project is such a cool idea! I can’t wait for the finished product…
March 18th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Obsessive DTWOF readers,
I was thinking there was a recent episode with Mo getting her haircut but that was Alison getting HER haircut in her sketch blog. I’m working on an ad for Miko’s Chop Shop… anyone know, just off the top of your OCD head, if there is an episode that shows the shop or someone getting a haircut? I can’t think of one myself….
March 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Aunt S., yes. In the series where Lois is wondering whether or not to date Jezanna’s friend .. what’s her name, I was just reading that book (makes spinning gesture around head with hands) .. memory going, I can feel it, Dave .. anyway, there’s one episode where Lois is getting her hair cut by Miko and the woman walks in. It’s like in the third book –
March 18th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
new ads please!! ;oD ha this is fun!
March 18th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Hello, I created the Union Ad, and I just felt that it needed some kind of logo for the union. Also, I didn’t notice the height guidelines, and since my idea was for a “full-page” ad, I don’t know if it can conform with the guidelines. Sorry and Thank you.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Aunt S: The strip MC is speaking about is number 63. We see Miko cutting Lois’ hair. It’s indeed in book number three (New and Improved Dykes to Watch Out For).
March 18th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I’m following this like the live, online, real-time collective blast it is. I wish I had the time and energy to contribute (a midwife or café ad). But that’s the beauty of collective creation: it’s great just the way it is. The “my sister’s closet” ad is, like, sooooo funny!
Is there any way I can get a copy of the finished tabloid in Montreal?
March 18th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Aunt Soozie: There’s also the option of using a pair of illustrations for a “before and after” effect. I’ve always thought that Toni’s tonsorial transformation a few years ago was a stunning one.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Aunt Soozie–Instead of the Cat Doctor, why not the Kitty Doctor– serving felines and women.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Alison: I just sent you an ad for Scorpio Adult Novelties, an obscure company I found in episode #322. It was too tempting to let it pass.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
We need a dog training school ad with the panel showing Anubis jumping on Ginger when they first met. ( I did my bit with the two articles - the gimpologists can take over from here :))
March 18th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
uh… what happened to the ad for the classifies section i just posted, the ‘dykes with stripes’? wrong posting? or anything…?
March 18th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
hi folks! ™ ˜ew ads ¨? ¨??sorry, cat’s head on keyboard. I meant to say, 2 new ads up, and one article.
March 18th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
It’s so tempting to use other terminology for cats but I resist!
I was thinking of a before and after but I think I’m going to try to use another character instead of Toni… (give someone else a makeover!)
Hope to get it to Alison by tomorrow!
March 18th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I think we need an ad for Y’All Haul featuring Albert’s feisty girlfriend!
March 18th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Holly, loved the My Sister’s Closet ad, and just wanted to let you know that there’s a real My Sister’s Closet in Vancouver. It’s a community thrift store run by Battered Women Support Services. Revenues from the store go to supporting battered women, and women survivors of violence can get free clothing and household goods from the store. It’s also serves as a first point of contact for women dealing with violence in their lives to access programs and services. Which is all just to say that I love the way this strip and reality intersect.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:34 am
Hey gimpsters? I could use some help. I am making adverts for things, but they are coming out really small. The program says the window is 4 X 4 inches, but I took a ruler out and the image is 2 3/4 inches. I have it zoomed at 100%. I uploaded one to my flickr account (the ones in AB’s appear 5 inches wide), and it is still beentsy. Any ideas? Is it my monitor?
March 19th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Cat Pimp, I think it is your monitor, same thing was happening to me (around the same time last night, too!). Try printing it and then you can adjust. Simplest way is paste it on a Word document and then stretch to fit the size you want.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Cat Pimp, it’s probably your monitor resolution. If the program says it’s 4 inches, just make sure you have a high enough DPI to print nicely at that size (at least 300 in my humble opinion) and you’ll probably be OK. 72 dpi is fine for something to go on the web but would be too pixellated when printed.
Another free program option is InkScape, which is to Illustrator as Gimp is to Photoshop. It makes scalable vector drawings, in other words. That’s what I used for Rainbow Auto.
March 19th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I asked in my livejournal and got the precise same answer. I will attempt to redo the ads. Thanks, peeps.